“But just take a minute to think about how your anger makes us feel. It makes us feel bad, okay? So can we please just drop it?”
It is with a heavy heart that we, the Academy, write to you, women, about the Oscar nominations this year. We understand some of you are a little upset with us right now because we didn’t nominate any of you for [this is typically going to be Directing. Please change accordingly depending on whatever it is that we didn’t nominate them for in the coming years.] But just take a minute to think about how your anger makes us feel. It makes us feel bad, okay? So can we please just drop it?
Sure, we could have recognized [insert female director’s name here. Are there any? If there are, put one here]’s ability to tell a rich, deeply touching story that moves every viewer to tears. It’s just that there were a lot of men that made Real Films this year.
Yes, Films. Not just “stories” about “being a little woman” or whatever. Films that connect us all because they’re told from the perspective of a man. Films with fancy technical tricks or violence or tits! [Hey Jen, is it cool if we say “tits” here? We can change it to “breasts” if you, our spokesperson for all women, are offended. Personally, I like “tits” because of the way it rolls off the tongue. But, like I said, if you’re offended…]
We’re already doing the absolute best we can to be modern and politically correct and [is it “awake” or is it “woke?”] I mean, for crying out loud, we don’t have a host for the second year in a row! We are trying! You asked us to try and we are trying. Maybe, if you’d just calm down, you’d be able to appreciate our efforts a little bit more.
And another thing: it’s kind of unfair for you to be so surprised by this. You knew what you were getting into with us. In the 92 years that we’ve been together, we’ve only nominated five women for directing and, frankly, I’m surprised we even did that! [Seriously, did we do that? Feels a little high to me. Someone fact check this.]
So when we really get down to it, this relationship is a two-way street. We promise to do our best to nominate more women if you women promise to tell more stories about men! And we’re willing to do whatever we can to help you do this. We’d be more than happy to send you a list of 100 films that changed our lives. Just a little something for you to study up on. In fact, yeah, let’s do that! [Can we set up a meeting with my 21-year-old nephew, Brett? He minored in Film and he’s just got a lot of strong opinions. I’d love to get him in here to help with this.]
Great, so be on the lookout for that and, in the meantime, it couldn’t hurt for you to strike up a conversation with any nearby man. Regardless of your qualifications or experience in the industry, he might really be able to teach you a thing or two about filmmaking.
All the best,